I found this poem online...describes where I'm at right now.
Don't let them get too close -
Too close to see my pain.
Because if they look real close,
They will see the tears that fall like rain.
The room is picked,
And baby's things collected.
But, inside that empty room,
Something needs corrected.
Because there's a crib and a cradle -
There are baby toys and clothes too.
But, there is not a baby -
No baby to fill this womb.
I cannot stop the crying,
And my pain won't subside.
I'm lost for ways of trying;
I've run out of places to hide.
The holidays they come and go -
All the years that I look back.
And now I find the future's grim
When I look at what I lack.
I try to hang onto hope -
I try to wait and see.
But sometimes it's hard to cope
When I think it may never be.
I'm not the only one that finds it hard -
Sometimes I wish I were.
So tell me where to go from here -
Please tell me where to go.
Things just seem so unclear,
And it has challenged all I know.
It has tested and confused me.
It has brought me to my knees.
And now it's too hard to see
Just what you need from me.
Is it something I am doing wrong?
Is there something I can do?
You see, I've been waiting for so long,
And I've been crying out to you.
Please don't let this be a barren place-
In this place where my child should be.
Let me see your loving grace.
Please bring my child to me.
I hold you so dear.
Even if it's only in my heart
That I'm holding you near.