"Pain"

I found this poem online...describes where I'm at right now.

Don't let them get too close - 
Too close to see my pain.
Because if they look real close,
They will see the tears that fall like rain.
The room is picked,
And baby's things collected.
But, inside that empty room,
Something needs corrected.
Because there's a crib and a cradle -
There are baby toys and clothes too.
But, there is not a baby -
No baby to fill this womb.
I cannot stop the crying,
And my pain won't subside.
I'm lost for ways of trying;
I've run out of places to hide.
The holidays they come and go -
All the years that I look back.
And now I find the future's grim
When I look at what I lack.
I try to hang onto hope - 
I try to wait and see.
But sometimes it's hard to cope
When I think it may never be.
I'm not the only one that finds it hard - 
Sometimes I wish I were.
So tell me where to go from here -
Please tell me where to go.
Things just seem so unclear,
And it has challenged all I know.
It has tested and confused me.
It has brought me to my knees.
And now it's too hard to see
Just what you need from me.
Is it something I am doing wrong?
Is there something I can do?
You see, I've been waiting for so long,
And I've been crying out to you.
Please don't let this be a barren place- 
In this place where my child should be.
Let me see your loving grace.
Please bring my child to me.
Rock-a-bye baby... 
I hold you so dear.
Even if it's only in my heart
That I'm holding you near.

Happy Mothers Day!

Well, today was actually a good day! Thank you LORD! This was the first mothers day in 5 years that I haven't cried and I held it together! I feel expectant...I'm excited that this will be my last Mothers Day holiday that I'm not a mother. I'm so excited about our future. So excited! We got an email that said we were shown to nine birth moms last month! Nothing is set in stone yet, but I can just "feel it".  My hubby and I joke around, but really we ARE expecting! A pregnancy takes nine months and hopefully in nine months (or sooner), we will be matched with our baby!

So, Happy Mothers Day to all my friends that are mommies. You are amazing!!!

Until next time...xo

Nugget of hope...

God gave me a nugget of hope! I got the term "nugget' from my dear friend Pam.

Yesterday I was having a really hard day. Really hard.  As soon as work was over, I immediately left and came home and cried! I had been holding it in all day but with 30 little ones, you have to be "on" all the time! I'm sure it was partially hormones but also knowing that Mothers Day is coming soon has been on my mind.  Every store has it plastered everywhere and for the infertile woman its really hard. I know...you are probably all thinking...but its several weeks away!!! Nope, for me, it marks yet another year that we are childless and holidays are especially hard. 

I texted my closest girlfriends (including my mommy) and told them that I needed prayer.  I'm so blessed to have an amazing group of friends that I can be real with.  I immediately got texts from them saying they were praying for me and they gave me words of encouragement.  Even until the late evening last night, I was getting texts saying "just thinking of you" and "how are you?".  HOW AWESOME IS THAT? I wish everyone had friends like mine :)

Well...today I got an email from our adoption agency letting me know that we have already been presented to 5 birthmoms! We have only been fully in the system for one full month! All of the birthmoms that our agency works with are in the beginning of their 3rd trimester so at this rate, we could have a baby by the end of the year! God knew that I was feeling down yesterday and today He gave me a sign of hope! God is good!

So thats the lastest...xo!

Dont ignore infertility...

In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, I thought it would be good to give some insight on this horrible and painful disease that millions of couples deal with.  

A few facts:

• Infertility affects 7.3 million people in the U.S. This figure represents 12% of women of childbearing age, or 1 in 8 couples.
 

• Fallopian tube blockage and/or peritoneal factors (abdominal wall) account for approximately 35 percent of all female infertility problems.

• Approximately one-third of infertility is attributed to the female partner, one-third attributed to the male partner and one-third is caused by a combination of problems in both partners or, is unexplained.  

• Only fifteen states have passed laws requiring that insurance policies cover some level of infertility treatment.

• Irregular or abnormal ovulation accounts for approximately 25 percent of all female infertility cases.

Infertility is a difficult and painful diagnosis, especially for someone who desires a child or has been trying to get pregnant for quite some time. Friends and family often try to console a woman experiencing infertility, but sometimes, they say the wrong things. Here are some things to think about when talking to an infertile friend. 

Don't Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

Don't Minimize the Problem

Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Don't Be Crude

It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy

This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant about parenting

For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let Them Know That You Care

The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day

With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.

I can't count the number of times I've been told one of these and I just smile. :-/

For more information about Infertility Awareness Week or RESOLVE, 

http://www.resolve.org/infertility101  (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)

http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW)

We are up and running!

Hola, we are officially 'in the system' now!  Our online profile is up and running.  This is what it looks like.  I didn't paste the link because I'm sure you don't want to read a VERY lengthy autobiography about us!!!  It details everything from how we met, our home, our neighborhood, our faith, pics of our family, and more.

In addition to our online profile, our booklet profile is finished too! It is 12 pages and it is lovely! We had some help from a friend, Scott Henderson and he did an amazing job! If you need a graphic organizer, I highly suggest that you contact him.  He is fast, efficient and does beautiful work.  His website is www.brandxdesign.com

Isn't it purrty??? LOL.  I had 30 copies made and I sent them to the agency today.  We can now be presented to potential birthmoms that call!  For some couples, they are 'matched' within a couple of months and with others, it can take up to two years.  Some couples are called after a baby is born and the birthmom decides to put her baby up for adoption at the hospital.  It all depends on our preferences, the birthmoms preferences, additional birthmother expenses and our home study being completed.


Last but not least, I saw this on Facebook the other day and it really encouraged me.  It reminded me that although my road with infertility has been painful and hard, I know that God has something great planned for our future family.  I hope this encourages you too :)

So, thats where we are at so far! I'm so excited.  Its starting to feel "real".  Until next time...xo

Working on our adoption profile...

Hola! Alot of people have been asking me whats been going on with our adoption.  For the past few weeks, we have been working on our adoption profile and right now its in the hands of a graphic organizer.  Seriously, its been like a part-time job!!! I come home from work and work on adoption stuff! I had to write all the text and find pictures of us over the years that I feel best represent us.  Once he's done with it we will send it to print and then we send copies to our agency.  Once they have our profile, we can start being presented to birth mothers. Yippeeeeee :)

An adoption profile is a booklet/pamphlet that has lots of pictures and information about the adopting couple.  It basically is like a 'sales brochure' for why we would be good parents.  It includes our background, how we met, why we are choosing adoption, our faith, our home, parenting ideas, pics of family members, etc. It will be between 8-12 pages.  If you've never seen one, they are actually really nice.  Here are some examples I found on the internet.

Sooooo...thats where we are at! Once its done, I'll be happy to share.  Until next time...xo

Moving forward with adoption...

Happy New Year!

As you can see by the title, we decided to move forward with adoption. It took me a while to get to this point, but God gave me a peace that I cant describe about it.  We are both excited and ready to build our family through adoption.  I cant believe that we've been trying since 2008 and this year we will celebrate 10 years of marriage. It blows my mind. Nevertheless, I know God's timing is perfect and He has a perfect plan for us.

During the month of January, we met with several agencies and finally decided on one the last weekend of the month.  They are amazing at what they do.  I have learned so much about the adoption process and now I consider myself and expert on domestic newborn adoption LOL.  There is SO much to consider when choosing an agency/lawyer/facilitator.  This past Friday we signed our papers and turned in our first payment (yikes), so we are officially "in the system".  YAY! Now we move onto more paperwork, background checks and our home study.

So here we go...on our adoption journey!!! As you may or may not know, the costs of adopting a baby is outrageous (average cost between $25,000-35,000)! If you are able to help donate towards the costs of our adoption, please feel free to do so by clicking the 'paypal' button.  Each person who donates will be listed on a picture frame and put in our babies room :)

Thank you for all your love and support! Until next time...xo